I am so tired.

It’s not the type of tired that can be cured with sleep. It’s a tiredness that never leaves the space between the back of your eyes and your brain. It’s a tiredness that settles so deep within it creates grooves in your very soul.

If it happened a few weeks later, I might have suspected January Blues. It came on Christmas night. The moment my toddler was in bed and everything stilled.

Boxing Day it presented itself as restless. I wanted to run away. Not from anyone or anything.

I just wanted to go. Get in the car and see what I could see from the window.

The 27th it presented itself as a need to buy something. I couldn’t find anything I wanted to buy. I went to Asda for sour cream and bought paracetamol, ibuprofen, reduced in price Lebkuchen, and a day cream with SPF - all under £4, but it hadn’t helped.

I stood in Asda for at least 20 minutes just staring. People milled passed. They all seemed to find something they couldn’t resist.

I wanted something. Something to satisfy this beast that keeps clawing at me from within.

Something.

Something.

Something.

Maybe this is simply Christmas in the time of Covid. It’s an incessant need to keep the fuzzy, cozy internal warmth of the season that presents itself and triggers a depressive episode. And why not? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with keeping those feelings nestled snuggly within. Not when so many people have been alone and will continue to be alone in the months to come.

2020 has been a year in which we’ve seen precisely how selfish many governments and people in the wider public are, and the festive season is the one time of year when most people pretend to be caring. Let’s not kid ourselves, it is all for show for a lot of people.

The rest of the year they’re more than happy to leave people to suffer as long as they don’t perceive it to impact them directly. Sad, isn’t it? The perception of how others’ lives affects their lives, even when it doesn’t have any direct effect at all, means so many will suffer.

I suppose the ‘something’ I want isn’t something that can be bought. I want the spirit of the holiday season to be something that’s integrated into everyday life. I want kindness, compassion, and empathy.

I fear what 2021 will bring once the images of snuggly animals in wintery scenes and Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick have gone. The question now becomes what can we all do to ensure there is kindness, compassion, and empathy in the months to come before the holidays are upon us again?

I’m going to help people. It’s what I do. It’s why I studied psychology and it’s in part the reason I write. Yes, it helps me, too, but if someone can find reprieve in my words for even a short time then I’ve done my job.

How are you going to help? I don’t need to know. This can be just for you. However, if you do want to share then please do! Or maybe you just need to sit a moment and speak to someone about anything. Feel free to do that here in the comments or hit me up on Twitter.